


You Still Can

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Episode Related, Episode: s03e14 The Taking of Dispatch 9-1-1, First Kiss, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Season/Series 03, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23657038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: When Josh asks Buck out, Buck panics and doesn't respond. Then Josh gets attacked and ambushed at work, and Buck is left with his worry and guilt, and a promise to himself that when he sees Josh again he's going to fix things.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Comments: 28
Kudos: 172





	You Still Can

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ithinkwehaveanemergency](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/gifts).



> For Adri.
> 
> This isn't either of the fics I planned to write after last nights episode (though those are coming), but I got inpired and this is what my brain wanted to do today.

It starts with a question. A simple text about him and Josh getting drinks and dinner together sometime. 

Though in reality it starts weeks before that. Weeks of poker nights and late night conversations. Of becoming friends. That part is easy. He can do friends. Sure, there’s some flirting, but it’s light and casual. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

It's not until the question is staring him right in the face that Buck realizes it _does_ mean something. 

He panics. 

He stares at the text so long the words stop making sense. So long that they're embedded into his brain. He still sees them even when he closes his eyes. 

He doesn't mean to ignore the text, or Josh. At least not at first. He just needed time to think things over. But the more he thinks, the more fear grips at him, making it harder to find the words to send back to him. 

It's not that he doesn't want to say yes. He does. More than anything. Josh is a great guy. No doubt he'd make an amazing boyfriend for someone. But Buck's not sure that someone can be him. No matter how much he might want it to be. 

He hasn't had the best relationship history, and if he's being honest, putting himself out there for something serious scares the hell out of him. Not that he's ever admitted that out loud. He can just imagine Maddie's exasperated sigh if he did. 

No, this is another one of the thoughts left lingering in his head, never to be spoken. 

The text is still sitting unanswered the next morning. He wishes he could say he forgets about it, but he doesn’t. It’s there, glaring at him on the screen as soon as he unlocks his phone. A silent reminder of what an idiot he is.

He could easily text back saying he fell asleep, but he doesn’t want to lie. Somehow silence feels better than lying. Or at least that’s what he tells himself.

* * *

A few days later there’s a loud banging on his door, dragging him awake from the nap he was trying to take. He’d had a long shift the day before and still hasn’t fully caught up on his sleep thanks to being out with Eddie late last night.

He kind of regrets that decision now thanks to the pounding in his head. As well as the door. Maybe if he ignores it…

He hears a key in the lock and sighs. He doubts Eddie would be here this early, and there’s only one person he can think of that would just show up like this.

He sighs and throws his covers back, making his way towards the stairs.

"So," Maddie says, striding into his apartment. She looks around and shakes her head, before her gaze lands on Buck. "You are alive then."

"Uh yes?" Buck runs a hand through his hair as he walks past her towards the coffee machine. Something tells him he's going to need it. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh I don't know Evan. It's not as if you've been answering my calls or texts to let me know."

And yeah, that's true. Ignoring Maddie's calls had been easier than risking a lecture. Though he admits he probably deserves one.

"Well here I am," he says, trying for cheery. "Alive and well."

"You know I needed you last night," Maddie tells. "And I know Josh could have used you too after what happened."

Buck frowns at that, and turns to face his sister. "What happened to Josh?"

Maddie looks at him in surprise, "He didn't tell you?"

"Uhh no. We haven't talked much these past few days."

She purses his lips, no doubt starting to put things together. "He was attacked last night, Evan."

Buck goes cold, a million scenarios flying through his mind. "What? What do you mean he was attacked?"

"It's really not my place to tell you…"

"Maddie come on," Josh pleads. "Josh is my friend. I need to know he's okay."

"He's… well he'll be fine. He's a little shaken and bruised, but that’s understandable given what he went through.”

“What _happened_ though?”

Maddie sighs and leans back against the counter. “He joined a dating app after our poker night.” Buck feels his heart clench at the thought. “He went out on a date last night and got attacked in the park.”

“He was mugged?” Buck asks, alarmed.

“That’s what he’d like people to believe,” Maddie mutters. He can tell by the anger in her voice that’s not quite the case. Buck has a feeling, a horrible one, he just hopes he’s wrong. “They didn’t take anything from his wallet though.”

“That doesn’t sound like a random mugging to me,” Buck says.

“Because it wasn’t,” Maddie finally admits. “It was his date. He set him up, led him off someplace where they were alone, and he and a friend jumped him.”

Anger rises in Buck. Hot and wild. Someone had targeted Josh? Had _hurt_ him. “Who was it?”

“We don’t know,” Maddie says. “And he won’t go to the police so…”

“ _What_?” Buck asks. “What do you mean he won’t go to the police?”

“I’m as unhappy about it as you are,” Maddie tells him. “I want to respect his wishes. But maybe if you talked to him…”

“I don’t know,” Buck says.

Maddie narrows her eyes, “What do you mean you don’t know? Josh needs us right now, Evan.”

“We haven’t exactly been talking,” Buck admits.

“Did something happen?” When Buck remains silent, she sighs. “Evan, I’m sure whatever it is, you can both get over it and talk. This is more important.”

She’s right. He knows he is. He wants nothing more than to go check on Josh and make sure he’s okay, but part of him feels like he doesn’t deserve to. Like he’s somehow responsible for what happened to Josh.

So even though he assures Maddie he’ll reach out, he can’t do more than stare at his phone. At that last text Josh sent three days ago, left unanswered.

Guilt eats away at him, keeping him awake that night. He can’t help thinking that maybe if he’d just said yes, or at least talked to him, this never would have happened.

It’s a thought that sticks with him a lot over the next few weeks. He doesn’t talk to Josh, as much as he wants to. The more time that passes, the more he feels like he’s no longer allowed. As if he missed his chance somehow to make things right.

It’s not that he hasn’t thought about reaching out. He’s typed and retyped so many messages, but has never been able to hit send.

_I’m sorry._

_I hope you’re okay._

_I miss you._

Nothing seems adequate enough. He’s never felt like more of a coward.

* * *

When it fully hits Buck that something might be wrong at dispatch, he’s frightened. Not just for Maddie, but for Josh. And everyone else in the call center.

It’s not knowing that makes it worse. Any matter of things could be happening inside that building and they’re all completely blind to it.

All he knows is it’s not good.

He wants to run in there and get the people he loves to safety. To protect them from whatever danger they’re facing. He’s never felt more helpless than he is now, standing out here when he can’t do anything but wait.

“She’s going to be okay,” Chimney tells him. He’s silent for a moment before he speaks again. “Josh too.”

He’s not surprised Chimney would know about Josh. He might not have told Maddie much, but she’s smart and observant. And there’s no telling what Josh has said to either of them.

“I hope so,” Buck mumbles. “I… I messed up, man. And now I might not be able to fix it.”

“You will,” Chimney says, resting a hand on his shoulder. “They’re going to make it out. And when they do, you’re going to pull your head out of your ass and tell him how you feel. He deserves that much.”

Buck nods, his eyes drifting across the street to the building. Whatever fears he had don’t matter now. If, no _when_ , Josh makes it out of there he’s going to fix this and make sure Josh knows how important he is. If he lets him, Buck will spend forever making it up to him.

“They’re coming out!”

Buck stumbles forward at the sight of the doors opening and the people starting to filter out. He sees Maddie and starts forward on instinct. Chimney reaches her first, so he stops, letting them have their moment. She has what she needs.

He looks towards the door, watching as each person comes out. _Please_ , he thinks. _Please be okay._

His worry grows as each person leaves the building and he still doesn’t see Josh. What if something happened? What if he hadn’t made it out?

He stops himself there. He can’t think like that. If Josh wasn’t okay Maddie would be more distraught, surely. But his mind still drifts to the worst without his permission.

Then he sees him. First a flash of blue among the maroon and black. Then his face as he scans the crowd.

Buck moves, pushing his way through the people as he tries to reach him. “Josh!”

Josh turns and their eyes meet. Buck stops in front of him, unsure. What if Josh doesn’t want him here?

Then Josh stumbles forward, a sob escaping him. “Buck.”

Buck catches him, his arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer. He buries his face in his neck, and closes his eyes, not bothering to wipe the tears as they fall.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbles. “God I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Josh whispers back, voice slightly hoarse. “I’m okay.”

Buck pulls back enough that he can see him, and brings a hand up to wipe away the tears. He leaves his hand on his cheek, needing the contact. "I should have said yes. This is all my fault. None of this would have happened if I had just said yes."

Josh gives him a tired smile. "Y'know... you still can."

Buck blinks, "You'd really still go out with me after I was such an ass?"

"Depends," Josh says. 

"On what?"

"Why you ghosted me."

"How about I tell you over dinner?" Buck asks. 

"Are you really asking me out right now?" Josh asks. His tone is teasing, an out of sorts, but Buck doesn’t take it.

Buck shrugs, "It's dinner, and then we can discuss what happens later. I doubt you're going to want to be alone tonight, and to be honest, I'm not too thrilled about the idea of leaving your side. So, we can eat together and you can get some rest."

"What about you?"

"I'll be here," Buck tells him. "Whatever you need."

Josh takes a deep breath and nods. He rests his head against Buck’s. “I just need you.”

The words should terrify him, given how much a simple prospect of drinks and dinner did. But they don’t. After everything that’s happened there’s only one thing that matters, and that’s the man in front of him. 

So he smiles and takes a chance, placing a soft kiss to his lips. “You have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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